‘It is an honour to become a member of the club, but they have perched me high up on a beam, all alone with only my butterfly eyes. I am not just a pretty face, I have ears too and I have heard things you wouldn’t believe! From my bird’s eye view I can look down on the comings and goings of the brave members below me.

‘One thing I want to make clear, I wasn’t responsible for the droppings on the floor. You have to give credit to Susan Collis for that. Now that that’s cleared up, I feel less embarrassed that I could be blamed.

‘As David Shrigley said — “I am Dead” and therefore can’t poo-poo on anyone’s head!’